A Soul In The Night Read online

  A

  Soul

  In The Night

  by Kendrick Goldwate r

  © 2019 Kendrick Goldwater

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.

  DEDICATION

  I want to dedicate ‘A Soul In The Night’ to the memory of my grandfather, Benjamin Goldwater. Without your constant encouragement to live beyond the rough hand life dealt me, I never would have believed that I could have a chance to express myself without reservation or caring what people thought about it. I love you, and I know you are looking down on me with pride right now.

  A SOUL IN THE NIGHT

  TABLE OF CONTENTS

  CHAPTER ONE

  SPEAKING FOR THE DEAD

  CHAPTER TWO

  A WIND-BEATEN TREE

  CHAPTER THREE

  THE HORIZON BLEEDS

  CHAPTER FOUR

  A SOUL IN THE NIGH T

  CHAPTER ON E

  SPEAKING FOR THE DEAD

  you planted

  the seeds

  of my every action

  in the soil of my mind

  when i was young

  now they have grown

  into mature crops

  and now

  i speak for the dead

  opening my mouth

  to speak your truth s

  with or without

  their reassurance

  you remain

  valuable beyond word s

  those who tell you

  ‘i love you’

  will be the ones

  to hurt you

  the mos t

  it is not easy

  to forget

  the wounds

  that still ache

  within you

  but fear not

  one day

  you will find

  your healin g

  the greatest redwood trees

  all started

  from the smallest seeds

  do not judge yourself

  for starting small

  pain is the thing that teaches you

  the places

  you need to be held

  tenderly

  by someone

  who truly loves yo u

  there have been men

  who have wanted you

  and sworn

  they were ready

  to play with fire

  but they

  were too weak

  to handle

  your flam e

  do not be

  so hard

  on yourself

  life is rife with struggle

  you cannot blame yourself

  for needing res t

  all those who hurt you

  will be the first

  to crawl back

  to you

  once you have found

  your healin g

  your heart

  remembers the days

  of light and love

  with fond nostalgia

  but put yourself at ease

  you have

  still better days

  waiting for you

  what really matters

  is that you never believe

  that you deserve

  to be treated

  the way they treat yo u

  do not hesitate

  to say no

  to the things

  and people

  in your life

  that infringe

  on your peac e

  we were too young and lost to understand the love that ignited such a fire in our souls

  perhaps one day our paths will cross again

  and everything will fit together in such beautiful ways as we cannot even imagin e

  you are plagued

  with those

  in your life

  who do nothing

  but take your love

  and give nothing back

  you deserve

  to be surrounded

  with people

  who reflect your light

  instead of taking it

  all

  for themselve s

  i was never

  your first priority

  you saw me as an option

  and i saw you

  as my only

  and that is why

  we caused each other

  nothing but pai n

  love

  is a beautiful thing

  but even love

  can cause us pain

  as we are forever lost

  in pursuit

  of something

  that feels rea l

  you are laying your heart

  at the feet of men

  who are willing

  to trod over it

  carelessly

  just to get

  to another woma n

  do not give your time

  to people

  who believe

  that you owe them

  anythin g

  do not ignore

  the ache in your heart

  that demands

  to be hear d

  all of these

  broken things

  will one day

  add up

  to a wholeness

  you cannot

  even imagine

  everything

  you need

  is already

  inside

  yoursel f

  there is no better feeling

  than to have

  your heart

  in harmony

  with your spirit

  but all too often

  in life

  that is a feeling

  we seldom fee l

  do not compare yourself

  to the fake perfection

  that others presen t

  give your sadness

  the attention

  it deserves

  do not run away

  from confronting

  your feeling s

  do not fear chaos

  become the storm

  and there

  you will find

  your powe r

  there is a difference

  between forgiving people

  and giving them

  another chance

  to make the same

  mistakes

  they made befor e

  the day will come where all of the concerns which plague your heart at this moment will be as forgotten as the weather a decade ago on this day.

  take heart in this:

  things will change

  and your heart will heal

  one day at a tim e

  i have come a long way

  from the poverty

  of unpaid

  electricity bills

  and sitting

  in the darknes s

  ironically

  it was

  talking about my pain

  after so much time

  of holding it in

  that brought me out

  of the darkness

  -blood on my typewrite r

  beautiful is the rose

  that stands strong

  despite

  the strongest wind s

  do not let the world

  make you

  stop carin g

  if you fed a flower

  nothing but

 
alcohol

  and cigarettes

  how could it still

  bloom?

  and yet

  here i am

  on my journey

  forwar d

  CHAPTER TW O

  A WIND-BEATEN TRE E

  the wind-beaten tree

  stood strong

  against

  the forces of nature

  but time

  bent his branches

  slowly

  year by year

  season by season

  time shapes you

  even if you do not

  realize it

  at the tim e

  you can’t blame yourself

  for losing

  who you are

  while you

  were so focused

  on trying

  to help him

  it’s not your job

  to fix a man

  who was not

  raised wel l

  be careful

  who you speak to

  when they

  are careless

  with the secrets

  of other s

  i have slowly

  become okay

  with the fact

  that you

  will never explain

  what happened

  between u s

  do not be

  with someone

  who will not accept

  any blame

  for what they do

  or sa y

  i needed you

  more

  than you

  ever

  needed m e

  imbalance

  is the root

  of heartbrea k

  you don't need

  a man

  to validate

  who you ar e

  draw your strength

  from deep within

  do not let the world

  make you feel

  wea k

  i know that you

  have been forced

  to raise yourself

  because you

  never had

  any good examples

  to draw from

  you should be proud

  of every inch

  you have gained

  in ground

  from where

  you began

  she watered her flowers

  giving them love and care

  the way

  she wished

  she had been cared for

  as a chil d

  trust is a loaded gun

  that you put

  into the hands

  of someone else

  you were the first person I was with who made sex more than a physical act for pleasure. making love to you was transcendently spiritual, transcendently beautiful .

  sometimes

  you just have to cry

  until you

  are so exhausted

  that you

  can begin

  to move o n

  the moment

  we begin

  to become jealous

  is the moment

  we give

  all our power

  to the worst parts

  of the other perso n

  if you are happier

  without you

  then i

  want you

  to leave m e

  whiskey

  is no cure

  for the pain

  but it can dull it

  for the nigh t

  someone

  who does not show you

  that they care

  doesn’ t

  whisper things to me

  deep in the night

  comfort

  my weary soul

  promise me

  things

  we could never kee p

  lust

  when it goes

  both ways

  can feel

  close to lov e

  i envy

  the rain

  as it falls

  and touches

  your bod y

  sex

  is not a dirty wor d

  we cannot rush things

  and make them happen

  before

  they are meant to

  that

  is as unfulfilling

  as harvesting

  the fruit

  before it is rip e

  in the end

  you cannot afford

  to let someone else

  be your peace

  if you rely

  on someone else

  to comfort your heart

  it will only hurt

  all the more

  when they

  recoil away

  when things get tough

  i will leave

  fresh roses

  on your dresser

  for you to wake up to

  in the morning

  i will give you

  a thousand reasons

  to miss m e

  the right person

  will not

  see your flaws

  as something to judge

  but as something

  to lovingly cares s

  find someone

  who knows

  that no one else

  can replace

  the beauty

  of your sou l

  do not come to me

  asking for forgiveness

  when i have not

  even had time

  to forgive myself

  for giving you

  a chance

   ​

  CHAPTER THRE E

  THE HORIZON BLEED S

  the sun

  dipped below the horizon

  spreading deep red light

  across the clouds

  the horizon bleeds

  with the auburn light

  that comes

  just before

  the darkest hou r

  do not think

  that just because

  he called you

  special

  that means

  he believes it

  find someone

  whose kindness

  of heart

  matches the kindness

  of their word s

  come with me

  let’s set fire

  to the last

  of everything

  we still

  hold on to

  let’s start fresh

  without scars

  without expectations

  let’s leave everything

  behin d

  he will regret

  losing you

  but do not

  fall back

  into his arms

  let his mistake

  of losing a diamond

  be your chance

  to realize

  that you

  deserve

  so much more

  than hi m

  i was sipping wine

  sitting on the porch

  deep into the night

  a notebook in hand

  trying to write

  but all

  i could think about

  was you

  you will be the one

  he regrets losing

  more than any

  of the other s

  do not let anyone

  come and go

  into your life

  as they please

  you are more

  than an optio n

  be careful

  where you plant

  yourself

  even the seeds

  of a beautiful rose

  when planted

  on the rocks

  will produce nothing

  but pai n

  do not spend your nights

  wasting time

  thinking

&
nbsp; about where he is

  and who

  he is with

  you cannot

  start a new chapter

  in your life

  while you

  are still holding on

  to someone

  who moved on

  from you

  a long time ago

  in a world

  where mirages of beauty

  pass for the real thing

  you are one of the few

  who are real

  and tru e

  do not allow

  his cold heart

  to take your warmth

  and make you

  like hi m

  he does not deserve

  the energy

  you give hi m

  you are far too powerful

  too full

  of lightning

  sprung from the hands

  of goddesses

  to think

  that some lowly man

  is worthy

  of the grieving

  of your heart

  your love

  was an addiction to me

  i let you get me high

  but now that you’re gone